"oh, what a circus - oh, what a show"
tales of my life in space, spent in the beaver county galaxy of transexual, transylvaniaaaaaah (ha-ha)
(a work of fiction, a work in progress)


i am a whore. i'll rent my orgasms to the highest bidder. i'll sell the effects of a pudendal nerve for money. i'll lease a kum-switch at any time of the day or night - whether the light-switch is on or off. ha. kumswitch. that's my middle name because i am a whore. i should change my actual name to kumswitch. no, my actual middle name. "lease a kumswitch" - i'm afraid it's not as obvious as i once thought. lisa kumswitch. i thought it was obviously interchangeable. hmn..."lisa kumswitch" is definitely going to be my drag-name, but i shouldn't be slapping people in the face when i tell them my name in real life. and i still think that kumswitch soundds perverted. maybe i can switch around some consonants. kuswmitch. that sounds german. kuswmitch. i don't think that "swm" can be considered to be any actual sound, though. "sw" is kind of a queer letter-combination, so i'll replace it with "q". no, then i need to add a "u". maybe i'll make it more queer and just replace "sw" with "z". kuzmitch. er, "mitch" is a man's name, but i am trans, so i'll go with "mich" being short for michelle.

"lease a kumswitch" is my drag-name
"lisa kuzmich" is my real name. no, "kuzmich" should be my middle-name, so i can use any common last-name as my last-name when i change my name.

graphic. maDylan's stories are graphic and pornographicaly sexual. stories about the police-department, about hanz phillipe, about alec and lisa baldwin. about lisa bonet and phylicia rashad. about the way-underage olsen-twins. about the 25 year-old newscaster known as brooke baldwin, better known to the gay-community as avery brooke baldwin. he's written stories about so many people he has never met (and who only exist in his imagination), and his porn is so awesome that the king of porn, larry flynt is mentioned by his lawyer regarding legal-defense.

it was quite an honor for maDylan to hear the words "graphic" and "larry flynt" when his lawyer was discussing his case. his ego grew ten sizes that day. he ordered a movie-poster of "the people versus larry flynt" to put in the window of his room for anyone with a pair of binoculars to see (his house is 180 feet from the road). when he saw this quote, he got a boner:

Hornsby, a customer service representative for Atlanta Gas Light Co.,said the jury spent a "great deal of time" perusing the magazines-the photos, the articles, the ads. "You name it, we talked about it. We reviewed them all," he said.

maDylan wondered about how many times his website(s) were "perused" by lawyers and every offended family in the "beaver freedom" area of transsexual. he gets off on knowing that every time he goes outside to be "the world's greatest showman," stripping down to his "american flag" underwear-briefs, he is sticking it to his neighbors and to the police.

now, the pornography that larry flynt was arrested for consisted of pictures. actual pornography. maDylan had a website of a fictional story which mirrored his life, and from that website came a plethora of criminal-charges - some of which did not represent maDylan's actions, like the "dissemination of pornographic materials to a minor" chrage.

maDylan relates this case to the case against ian lake, a high-school student in utah who was arrested for posting derogatory comments about classmates and teachers on his friend's website. now that maDylan's lawyer even mentioned the name "larry flynt," his ego is in the stratosphere. whatever that is. ha.

michael jackson lives at 101 kaitlin place. prince lives at 103 kaitlin place. madonna lives at 107 kaitlin place. maDylan lives at 137 kaitlin place. maDylan has lived on kaitlin pkace for decades, and for decades has witnessed the behaviors of the three (other) superstars living on his road. maDylan has become a product of the superstars living on his road, and though he sounds horrible when he sings, when he is performing either on his porch or in his yard or on the cul-de-sac, he puts on a show which is reminiscent of the work done by michael jackson and prince and madonna.

brooke baldwin, the newsgirl from CNN, also lives in space and on kaitlin place with her half-sister, alexxxa, as well as with alexxxa's big-chinned full-sister and alexxxa's dad and mom. brooke calls herself "a very brooke baldwin" as a way to distinguish herself from beaver county, given that 1) she had once lived at avery brooke apartments in dublin ohio, and 2) she is a proud native of brooke county, ohio. she is not as much a superstar as the aforementioned theatrical rock-stars, but she moved to kaitlin place when rumors started flying around about the misadventures of maDylan. "a very brooke baldwin" wanted to understand maDylan so that she could report on the malicious prosecution given to him by the district-attorney on behalf of the unfamous people on kaitln place.

maDylan has grown into quite the exhibitionist, and he has mostly all of the people on kaitlin place to thank. maDylan uses his exhibitionism to irritate, mock and annoy most of his neighbors (and the police-department). he knows that he will not irritate michael jackson or prince or madonna, and he is fine with that, as it is his mission to lower the property-values of his other neighbors' houses by constantly making an ass out of himself on his property or on the cul-de-sac he lives on.

it is also maDylans' goal to irritate, mock and annoy the local police-department. the police have grown to hate maDylan more and more, ever since maDylan mistook officer abby blazavich for a man and later commented on her appearance using facebook. the police actually brought him to court for that.

the story that brooke baldwin is after stems all the way back to 2016, when maDylan responded to the police-department's charges of "indecent exposure" and "open lewdness" after maDylan walked out to his mailbox one morning in his shower-towel and was seen by the pedo-licious boy who lived across the street from him. comprehending the charges filed as idiotic, maDylan bought two g-rated inflatable men and put them on his roof as a "fuck you" to the police and to the unfamous people on his street. the next thing he knows, the police charged him with "corruption of a minor" because alexxxa and her sister, both minors, thought they saw a sex-doll. many court-cases followed, ending with the ones who filed the "corruption of a minor" charge being scolded by a judge.

fast-forward to the year 2020, when alexxxa graduated high-school in the sexually-promiscuous "beaver freedom" area of transexual, and when her mom put a graduation-photo of alexxxa on their lawn near the road. it was not just a normal graduation-picture, because alexxxa was barely wearing what could barely pass as a shirt, while her pose was what pedophiles' dreams are made of. maDylan saw this erotic lawn-ornament and reported it to the police, portraying himself as a concerned citizen who saw probable cause that alexxxa's parents were pedophiles who were selling their daughter's pedo-licious young tities to the highest bidder. madonna actually walked from her house on kaitlin place to alexxxa's house, and she congratulated alexxxa's overweight mother for the sexploitation of alexxxa. michael jackson told alexxxa's mother that it was "ignorant" for anyone to regard alexxxa as a slut, and prince simply saw the picture and let out one of his trademark screams.

maDylan has a habit of making websites to celebrate people who have made a difference in his life, and he wanted to document everything that the baldwins had put him through, so he registered alexabaldwin.com to let the world know what he had been put through because of the baldwins. at the time, maDylan had been emailing with the newd sewickley police-department often, and one of his emails mentioned alexabaldwin.com. the next thing maDylan knew, there was some kind of restraining-order filed on behalf of alexxxa's sister who was still a minor at the time. maDylan had never seen alexxxa or her sister, he never had any contact with either of them, so he really didn't think anything of the restraining-order. it had no bearing on his life.

"is that your tough-look, raoul...is that the best you cuold do?" - madonna as nikki finn

the "temporary protection from intimidation order," which was filed in april of 2021, was required to be ruled upon by a judge within weeks of its filing. it was a weak case, putting a restraining-order on a man who never had contact with the girl he was supposed to be restrained from, so it makes sense that the court-hearing meant to legitimize the order had been postponed for months. in november is when maDylan began walking on his road to prepare for the "bioness foot-drop system" which would improve his gait. being a rock-star-wannabee, as maDylan walked down the street, he was doing dance-moves while a bunch of prince songs played on his phone. Bigchin saw him do a few pelvic-thrusts and then saw the opportunity to close her legs and scream "VIOLATION". so, off went maDylan to jail for 10 hours, i think.

at the end of december, maDylan had another day-stay at the jail. this time for a ton of ludicrous charges related to his alexabaldwin.com site. from "dissemination of pornography to a minor" to "stalking" or some garbage like that. like i said, maDylan has never had any contact with the people who were behind the bullshit-charges filed in 2016, he has never seen them up close, and he only made alexabaldwin.com as a work of fiction which was inspired by real events. the bail was set at either $100,000 or $200,000, and maDylan was in jail for less than 24 hours again. a few days before this second day-trip to the jail, maDylan was approved for 5 or 6 years worth of $1300 monthly payments from social-security, so his mother easily bonded him out.

the third day-stay in jail is what is going to break the baldwins' back, though, because maDylan was brought to jail for being in walmart. Bigchin was employed at wal-mart, Bigchin was in the self-checkout area when maDylan was purchasing his stuff, and the video taken by walmart's cameras showed that maDylan didn't even notice Bigchin being there. how could he have noticed Bigchin when he doesn't know what she looks like? he saw a picture of her on facebook after the third day-stay in jail, he may have remembered her bearing a slight resemblance to the girl in chris issak's video for "wicked game," he was taken aback by the size of her chin, and that's all maDylan knows about Bigchin's apeparance. anyway, he was pulled over by a policeman after he left walmart, and the first policeman was reading his papers but seemed utterly confused as to why he was called and what he was expected to do. maDylan was told that he was free to go, but mama baldwin wouldn't have that. mama baldwin went to some kind of victim-advocacy group and maDylan was sent to jail yet again. he was more comforted this time, though, because he hadn't been in jail for three hours when he called his mother and was assured that he'd be out the next morning.

the girl from the victim-advocacy group actually wrote on the paper that there was no contact between maDylan and Bigchin. hmn...actually, this makes me think that the case is going to blow up in the faces of the baldwins and of the police and of the district-attorney. more to the point - why did the police wait until a supposed "violation" of the temporary-order happened, before they arrested maDylan for the alexabaldwin.com website? "malicious prosecution" is something that maDylan has heard from his mom's lawyer at least once.

the unsigned "temporary protection from intimidation order," which should have been invalidated by a judge BECAUSE it had never been signed or validated, is now going to be valid for three more years. the charges related to alexabaldwin.com have not been to court yet, but if the charge of "malicious prosecution" gets filed against the predatory-police in planet transexual's newd sewickley township, i believe that the unsigned-yet-somehow-validated order is going to have to be done away with. maDylan's character has certainly been defamed from all of the newspaper-articles, so maybe maDylan will profit from that. maDylan is oblivious, maDylan is always in his own little world, maDylan doesn't care about defamation, but maDylan has advocates who do care.

to add insult to injury, maDylan has been walking on his porch, on his lawn and on the cul-de-sac, wearing nothing but socks, shoes, and swimsuits which can be perceived as underwear. a red, white and blue flag-themed swimsuit and an erotic, tiger-themed swimsuit as he is singing and doing the same dance-moves which were somehow illegal to do in front of the baldwins' house. he has been wearing these ever since that last day-trip to the jail in april. almost seven months later, it is now just about november - it's halloween in 3 days - and he has had no police-visits except two responses to complaints that he walks on his property and his road while singing/screaming like prince. those police-visit didn't end in anything but a renewed desire to keep on keeping on.

pHd. piled on harder and deeper.

maDylan is constantly on his porch and on his lawn (and even on the cul-de-sac) while he is putting on a very sexually-suggestive sort of strip-show. he starts fully dressed and ends in any of his tiny swimsuits. he has a bit of respect for his next-door neighbors, but he is not going to let that stand in the way of being an annoyance to everyone else.

piled on harder and deeper. after having met abby blazavich, maDylan has no ill-will towards her, but he is not going to let that stand in the way of using her name to degrade the police-department. he has no ill-will towards police-chief ronald leindecker, he actually wouldn't mind spending the night in bed with ronald, but he is not going to let that stand in the way of exposing the deeds done by the nude sewickley police-department.

with the "exercise" half of maDylan's trademark "exer-bition" being done for hours on end, his jeans are slightly falling down. he has never, EVER had much desire to exercise regularly or for more than 5 or 10 minutes, but now that he can antagonize the beaver-freedom townspeople while doing exercise, he can't stop exercising.
this is amazing. this has nothing to do with the pHd that maDylan has earned on a street of the planet transexual (or even in the galaxy of transylvania), but it fits. he must have madonna's genes, because offending people is second-nature to him. maDylan was at a gas-station and he saw a girl in the tightest pants he had even seen. her ass-crack was - in the words of the girl who was talking to becky in sir mix-a-lots's video - "out there". he should have recited the entire quote while in the presence of the "baby got back" girl, but he did not think to. holy shit, he is cracking up with laughter right now. when he first saw the butt in question, he made a loud "woo-hoo". when she came back out from paying the clerks inside, he started giggling to himself. then he thought of "sd guy" on youtube and sd's enthusiastic-but-deliberate-sounding laughter, so maDylan's laughs became like sdguy's. holy shit. this story can be related to my story about the fiasco about brooke baldwin and her half-sister named alexxxa, so it's on this page. if avoiding people was not as second-nature as his intention to offend them, maDylan probably would have had an actual jail-sentence given to him. his brain-damage would probably cross the line. his mom has told him that he is on thin ice, and if he was not as reclusive as he is then it doesn't seem unlikely that the ice would have been broken. i just thought i would mention this, but i will get back to my story about maDylan's porno-type shenanigans on the actual street located in transexual, transylvania. once i have more to tell, that is.
here is a parody of reba mcentire's "why haven't i heard from you," which is actually dedicated to the police:

well, back in twenty-ten and plus six, a large whore raised hell
tried setting up a trap when i had stoked her well
i had tied two pretty men, the outside of my home
two inflating toys for kids, they were not sexual
now, the cunt did tell her daughters to scream as if they were harmed
and she'd get one hot policeman to defame me, crim'nally charged

he told me my wacky pride hurt two youths
(my wacky pride hurt two youths)
told me i had no right to be rude
(i had no right to be rude)
ronald, greg'ry, what is your excuse?
why were these lies court-pursued?

well, there's no law 'gainst what i'm doing, but your moves caused such duress
you'd start to show up ev'ry day and you would bring me so much stress
the words i used to scold the girls were only on my site
but you had come to the conclusion that i was guilty of a crime
i'm sure your operations have been changed because i sued
so dial zero for assistance if your balls constricting on you

and tell me why haven't i heard from you!
(why haven't i heard from you?)
tell me why haven't i heard from you!
(why haven't i heard from you?)
i said now ronald, greg'ry, what is your excuse?
why wouldn't lies catch up to you?

the end is coming up, you bastards are fucked
you're liars who've burned the wrong guy
i'll fuck you so proud, your ass red not brown
a NATIONAL disaster, i know, once this gets out

tell me why haven't i heard from you!
(why haven't i heard from you?)
tell me why haven't i heard from you!
(why haven't i heard from you?)
ronnie, greg'ry, what is your excuse?

tell me why haven't i heard from you!
(why haven't i heard from you?)
tell me why haven't i heard from you!
(why haven't i heard from you?)
i said now ronald, greg'ry, learn from your abuse
this is a novel-in-progress, more content is added daily.
song-parodies and porn-stories taunting avery brooke are at my main website